Anna Maria Island, October 23, 1986

Introducing the Cracker

By Gib Bergquist

It is very difficult writing your very first column knowing very well it could be your last.
I would like to say that I have been invited by the editor of this newspaper to write my own column for remunerative rewards too good to pass up. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The plain truth is that I hounded the editor to let me go into print, and he has reluctantly relented.
However, he has put some pretty heavy restrictions on me and my column as follows:
1 — The column will appear only when his paper needs a filler on the ad pages. Therefore the column will appear sporadically. Look for me among the used lawn mowers and the apartments for rent.
2 — The column must be more interesting to his readers than the tide charts.
3 — Any negative response or no response at all from his readers, and my journalistic career is over.
4 — My status with his paper is strictly freelance. My column is free and he can lance it any way he sees fit.
5 — The column must be written in the accordion style of writing. You squeeze it in or stretch it out to fit the space available after all the ads are sold. If some of the columns end abruptly or ramble on too long, please understand.
   I am an early riser and in the pre-dawn, as I was writing this column, I walked into our dimly lit kitchen to make myself a cup of instant coffee.
   After heating the water, I noticed that the dark granules I stirred into the water were not dissolving as fast as they should, which is typical of Brand X. I took my first sip of the morning and it was a disaster! One of my kids had placed the hamster food jar side by side with the coffee jar and now you know the rest of the story.
   From here on it’s sink or swim.


From Cracker's Crumbs, 1995 Gib Bergquist

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